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28 February, 2004
 You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent. Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla  Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but its there, and your friends can see it. You constantly feel alone, and need to do things to fill your time. Your afraid to tell people this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad way, and you think you screwed up everything. And when you are in love is when you are sad the most. (Please Vote) What Emotion Dominates you? brought to you by Quizilla  My inner child is sixteen years old!
1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love. You chose the short road--you fall in love quickly and easily. 2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a relationship, while the number of white represents what you expect in return. You give 60% and expect 40% in return. 3. This question represents your attitude towards handling relationship problems. You like to get the person yourself--you are a more direct person and like to work out problems immediately. 4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like to see your boy/girlfriend. You want to place the roses by the windowsill--you are alright with not seeing him/her much. 5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality. You prefer the person to be asleep--you love the person as the way s/he is. 6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone. You chose the longer road--you will tend to stay in love for a long time. That's all folks. Best wishes to those who are in love.
You are Tweety. You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers, and you are worry-free.
Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as a bold and venturesome; someone who will try anything-well almost anything-once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. 2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she loves you. 3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic. 4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too moody; and you don't know how to please him/her. 5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is one which make you feel warmth and in-love always. 6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage. 7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much. 8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.
 kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but quite daring. you move for the kill confidently knowing the other person wants the same thing. What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
26 February, 2004
"Obie Trice, Real Name, No Gimmicks..." [Record Scratches] [Beat Changes] [Eminem] Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside. Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside. [Eminem] Wooo! [Female Voice] "Ooooohhhhh!" [Eminem] Guess who's back, back again Shady's back, tell a friend Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back... Duh da Da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, Duh da Da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, da um, I've created a monsta, 'cuz nobody wants to See Marshall no more, they want Shady, I'm chopped liver. Well, if you want Shady, this is what I'll give ya A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor Some vodka that will jumpstart my heart quicka Then a shock when I get shocked at the hospital By the doctor when I'm not cooperating When I'm rockin' the table while he's operating "Hey!" You waited this long to stop debating 'Cuz I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating I know that you got a job Mrs. Cheney But your husband's heart problem is complicating So the FCC won't let me be Or let me be me so let me see They tried to shut me down on MTV But it feels so empty without me So come on dip, bum on your lips Fuck that Come on your lips and some on your tits, And get ready 'cuz this shit's about to get heavy I just settled all my lawsuits, "Fuck you Debbie!" Chorus: Now this looks like a job for me So everybody just follow me 'Cuz we need a little controversy, 'Cuz it feels so empty without me I said this looks like a job for me So everybody just follow me 'Cuz we need a little controversy, 'Cuz it feels so empty without me Little hellions, kids feelin' rebellious Embarrassed, their parents still listen to Elvis They start feelin' like prisoners, helpless, 'Til someone comes along on a mission and yells "BITCH!" A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution, Pollutin' the air waves A rebel, So let me just revel and bask, In the fact that I got everyone kissin' my ass And it's a disaster, such a catastrophe For you to see so damn much of my ass, you asked for me? Well I'm back (Da Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) fix your bent antenna Tune it in and then I'm gonna enter Into the front of your skin like a splinter The center of attention back for the winter I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling Infesting in your kids ears and nesting "Testing: Attention Please!" Feel the tension soon as someone mentions me Here's my 10 cents, my 2 cents is free A nuisance, who sent, you sent for me? (Chorus 2x) Verse 3: A tisk-it a task-it, I go tit for tat with anybody who's talkin' this shit, that shit Chris Kirkpatrick, you can get your ass kicked Worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards, And Moby?, you can get stoned by Obie, You 36 year-old bald-headed fag blow me You don't know me, you're too old Let go, it's over, nobody listens to techno Now let's go, just give me the signal I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults I been dope, suspenseful with a pencil Ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol (knife scrapes) But sometimes the shit just seems, Everybody only wants to discuss me So this must mean I'm disgusting, But it's just me I'm just obscene Though I'm not the first king of controversy I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley, To do Black music so selfishly And use it to get myself wealthy (Hey!) There's a concept that works 20 million other white rappers emerge But no matta how many fish in the sea It'll be so empty without me (Chorus 2x) (Sung twice:) Heh-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la "Kids!"
But then, after speaking to an old friend about the Kay that was before i realise how different i am. I realise of course that i have changed indeed. But, i never realised exactly how... until i looked through another person's eyes. For a moment there, i got scared. Why? Cos the old Kay sounded like some phenomenon.It did'nt sound like the picture i had of myself in my head of how i was. According to Ex-Gm friend. She was daring. When Something was not right. She dared to ask. She was always a friend to anyone who needed one.No matter who they were. She was in a class of her own...full of crazy hairstyles.Not to mention opinion. She had really strong opinions on issues.And did'nt think twice about voicing it out.And did'nt care when she was laughed at.Most imptly, she didn laugh at anyone. She was technically everyone's friend , but at the same time no ones friend?? Never needed acceptance from anybody but herself. Religiously there and strong. In my head this is who i was... A very angry dudette. Who wanted to do something about the world. And live the life she always wanted to.But mostly stuck to the background,Hanging with people from my level and the U.S. (mah ppl!!) mostly. My table was always crowded with smart ass slackers sure... but then we were all friends right?? Never realised people listened to what i said. Never realised they remembered. Never realised that words can actually change a person's life. And that words sometimes hurt. Alot. I just spent two days apologising to ppl for things i've said recently. And the one question they ask me... what happened to Kay? the one from Secondary school? So i asked, what was she like?? And, i was told more or less the above-mentioned. and then i wonder if i was really such an over-achieving prep and set those standards myself or did ppl set them for me? i am not trying to brag here abt myself. But if you notice i am refering to my past self as She...as in another person. Nope i ain't schizo. Recently i have been looking high and low for myself.My "standards". Recently alooooot of ppl have been forming opinions about the group i hang with and what we are like. Usually, i'd go--- Boo-yah! I don't care what you think. But not when i hear ppl are hurting cos of the things we say. Words have power i realise.But i also have the power to make amends. Plus, i rather be seen as Kay. Not someone who is part of that grp. It's gr8 to be part of a grp. Great sense of belonging.I like my friends. I just need to establish myself a wee bit more.For myself.I don't like following someone. I don't like following the crowd.Just take a look at my hair..I like being weird sometimes.It sets me apart. And most of all. I never liked changing myself for the sake of someone else.If i ever did change it would be for me. I would tone down, yes. if you told me something was wrong. But if i were'nt true to myself. How can say i am being sincere to anyone else? My belief was, take the plank out of your own eye before removing the splinter out your brother's. And that is one belief i got reminded about yesterday talking to my friend. She is someone who has played a big role in witnessing the changes in me. Even sometimes playing a part in the changes. Sometimes bad... Sometimes Good. I realise... it's easy to go around preaching the Gospel.It's another thing to live it and be an example. Another belief of mine.... I at one point wanted to break the misconceptions of Christians to ppl... Cos i if were to live it and show it rather than to stuff the Bible down their throats, it would be way more impact creating would'nt it?? I changed so much...Changes i definetely cannot condone and there i was stressing over the changes in my friends...Guess it's time to take the plank out of my eye. Wahahahhaha!!!...tt really puts a gruesome image in my head. Ack.
23 February, 2004
What's new, heh? The confused teenager. Like as if when you grow up, you have all the answers? Look at Pres. Bush. lol. Just what the hell am i supposed to do... freakin hell i don't even wanna put this up here!!! TELL WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO HUH????!!!! I feel like screaming my freakin lungs out i feel like i shd be knockin someone straight out This confusion is great i feel like dead bait this powerful emotion is roving its pulsing, its growing as great as oceans its explodin Screamin ! i'm almost out of my breath And boy! here it comes!..down swoops my death i say this with the breath i have left. Don you give me tt smile! not after all of this while I am not a puppy to come waggin my tail if i do, then i know i have failed who i am i will not compromise Otherwise, myself i despise Goddamnit I am Kay. I mean what i say. i say it when i feel it back away if u can't take it. And recently i've been feelin wat i tell will send ya reelin. yes its tt bad!! i don wanna be sad! just exactly wad do u mean? i just here turnin green tryin ta figure you out i've been quiet,now i will just shout! You come back and you just say, hey,wats been up?? just tell? What the fuck , and all this while you've been givin me hell? I've had freakin enuff see cos i noe i am tough my life its been rough. but nuts about me,u don't know but still you run your mouth off so. Sometimes i wanna brush'em off and keep goin. But the same shit you keep doin. that makes me so mad so mad.i wanna tear your head off so bad. yea ... i notice i start rapping when i get angry... wonder if its the same deal with eminem...would explain his lyrical content. What do you do when you wanna tell a friend off sssoooooo bad, for the things that person's been sayin... but just when you wanna say it.. that person gives you a warm smile, and says hello... you stop in your tracks....and you wonder if it was all just a bad dream ...and you're readin into things too much. or maybe this smile and the hello is the actual stuff thats bein faked? But you don't wanna risk hurtin tt person just because of some imagined slight... because tt's how much you treasure that friendship. But then you know you can't go on being friends w/o getting some issues out of the way?? I mean do you wait till that person says it again to confirm your judgement? Or do i launch some kinda freakin pre-emptive strike? God is this what Bush felt like???? good lord ...the comparisons i make... Help.
22 February, 2004
What bites? It bites when you know you've been wrong. When you know,you've been dormant for way too long. It bites when you know you've been only thinking about yourself. and when your friend cries you just can't tell. It bites when you know you've been having fun at the expense of a friend. When you know you're actually biting, someone dear, a helping hand. It bites to know that you should have been there for friend who needed you, But were'nt because,you thought they've repeated themselves thru and thru. What more use could there be for you? Too many times to just say, just once more. in your heart you've already closed the door. It bites to know that you are unloving, even inward looking. to realise your friends heart into pieces you been a-chopping. It bites to know that you're capable of ridiculing someone, when they're in their darkest hours. This friendship is mine,to change?the decision is ours. It bites to know you could have made a change, but chose to conform and go with the flow. What's happened to Kay,all her principles? She don't know. It's biting..its biting its bitten straight thru. i think you're almost broken in two. I'm sorry.
20 February, 2004
It was fun. Could have been more fun if i was'nt so darned tired.lol. We went to Seoul Garden to makan. Mel spent most of the time mixing weird cocktails of drinks for us,and talking funny,and yes, as he says in his blog...i got alot of food dumped on my plate for crazy reasons. And then we surprised Mel with a B-Day cake.I think he was touched! lol.One thing's for sure,I will never choose coffee cake again. lol. After which we went to the arcade, while Azi was busy shooting the heads off things, Nad and Mel were off trying to see who was better at racing. And i played games in which i kept dying in repeatedly..so i gave up, lol. We also at one point played table hockey, Damn...Azi and me lost against the other two...unfair! we were sleepy and our defences were down!!!! And it was only two points anyway.:P We went to watch Gothikaafter that, Scare tactics wise,pray tell who's gonna be afraid of a fire-breathing chicken who keeps sqwacking in the heroine's face,and appears exactly when you expect her?The twists were cliche,i think there are a dozen other movies out there exactly the same ...all by the book...but then again its a tried and tested recipe for success.But its getting boring.And Halle screams too much. What would make a scarier movie? I don't know...My father in the morning when he wakes up? ... Of course the two to the left to me were cowering behind their bags needless to say. *coughnad&melcough* And i thought i was timid. {Well,things that go bump in the night still get to me,but i've tried telling myself its my brother walking into his wall.Lol.} Nad even grabbed my bag from me at one point because Mel confiscated hers.LOL. At one point when Halle Berry was screaming on-screen i was wondering why i kept hearing extra noises, until i realised Nad was whimpering away next to me!!.Wahahhahahahaha.. The movie was pretty insightful however, in someways. It just lets you know how terrible knowledge can be. And those crazy people? They ain't crazy after all. They just see better. They're just people who have been exposed to a bit more then they can take. So when the barriers in their mind are broken, they see things other ppl can't. And others think they're crazy. They say they see distortions. what makes them think its distorted i wonder. Maybe the "normal" people are the ones who are seeing things in a distorted manner. i wonder. And I wonder. I think i'll keep wondering. They think they're hallucinating but they're not. The "crazy" ones are the ones who see reality. From a Different perspective maybe.But its reality. And you can't escape it.No can help you... because they don't see what you see.And that scares you to hell.You go out of control.So they tell you that you're crazy,and drown you in medication that knocks you out, and you believe it,you accept it.But you can't trust someone who thinks you're crazy.Because it simply can't be true.And some part of you knows that you're right.There is something out there,and its waiting. But Its reality to you. Your reality. So you keep searching for the truth.Your truth. Anyways, the movie was a flop as a thriller,however a great success in terms of mystery. i think.Or maybe its because i know what's on screen is nothing compared to the scarier stuff in real life? But if you ask me, It was kinda obvious it was the sheriff at one point, cause he refused to believe Miranda,or let her go.Even though she just saved someone's life.And his outbursts were unnecessary and irrational.hehehehe...i'm such a critic...or is it working out the murder game that's making me think like this?hmmm... And i have to say Penelope Cruz looks like a scarecrow w/o makeup- what possessed Tom? I bet he gets a bloody shock every morning.serves him right. Divorce nicole somemore la.Idiot. Wait i take back what i said, Cruz looks like a scarecrow with or w/o makeup. And The ladies in this movie rarely required makeup to look crazy, i believe.All must have thought going Bare-face would have been enough.God bless the invention of beauty products and cosmetic surgery, Hollywood would be a scary place w/o it.Way scarier than Gothika could ever be. Right. Good night y'all,i'm off to church now...ta-ta.
19 February, 2004
If you think you love someone- does it matter what the world has to say about your love? If you think you love someone- Do you think that person can be easily replaced anyday? If you think you love someone- Are you afraid of going all the way? If you think you love someone- Does it matter if S/he has an ugly face? If you think you love someone- Does it matter if S/he is of a different race? If you think you love someone- Do you care if s/he is from a different religion? If the answer to any of this is a yes, then i don't think what you have is love. Because Love is giving. Because Love is Kind. Love Is Forgiving. And often blind. Love keeps picking you up- Especially when you get left behind. Love laughs, but only with you Love is unique, It can bubble within you. Love is when, God became a man. Love is when, Mother Theresa embraced the damned. Love quenches fear. It lets you know that you are dear. If you love someone,why bother thinking? Pragmatism is not for this world... for tomorrow may be the end. You'll never know if death is around the bend.
 Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to make people laugh and have a good time. You enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what people think of you. You like to hang out with your buddies and just have a good time. [please vote! thank you! :)] What Kind of Shoe Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
18 February, 2004
I am so high. I can hear heaven. I am so high. I can hear heaven. Oh but heaven, no heaven dont hear me. And they say that a hero can save us. Im not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away. Someone told me love will ALL save us. But how can that be, look what love gave us. A world full of killing, and blood-spilling That world never came. And they say that a hero can save us. Im not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away. Now that the world isnt ending, its love that Im sending to you. It isnt the love of a hero, and thats why I fear it wont do. And they say that a hero can save us. Im not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away. And they're watching us (Watching Us) And they're watching us (Watching Us) As we all fly away.yeahaahh...ooouuhh(#3X)
noun: someone who fights for a cause noun: (classical mythology) a being of great strength and courage celebrated for bold exploits; often the offspring of a mortal and a god noun: a man distinguished by exceptional courage and nobility and strength (Example: "RAF pilots were the heroes of the Battle of Britain") Heroes... They're exceptional people.. with super strength...they battle at the frontline...the champions of mankind...they struggle with physical demons and win in their endeavours. Triumph is always theirs simply because of the fact that good will always triumph over evil. The heroes of the media? Buffy the Vampire slayer Superman The charmed Ones And many others. They fight and they win. Sometimes they need to run away...because who they are meant to be is simply too big a burden to carry. But in the end they always come back accepting their fate. Accepting who they are. They fall down ..they get up..they finish off the baddie with a witty remark or two. At the end of the day everyone is happy... we all have a great ending... But in reality, these heroes sometimes turn bitter, over the sacrifices they had to make...they feel punished...Why? because they thought the enemy will be throwing blanks at them. Because in reality ...these heroes are just like you and me...Human...they don't have super strength,and the things they fight against are not physical demons and baddies...more often than not its the hurdles life presents to us. So doesn't that mean everyone of us is a hero?hmmm. I have a friend. Her dad was in the employment of a shipping agency a long time ago.One day, one of the containers that were being unloaded,Slipped out of its pulley as it was being lowered to the ground... It was gonna hit someone and it nearly did if it were'nt for my friend's dad who, was there in the nick of time to push that guy away. Unfortunately, he got his leg badly injured in the process. Today he is a cripple... he is dying of cancer... he has diabetes which didn allow the wound to heal. And most of all, he is bitter about what happened to his life and he is waiting for his time to come to an end in an Old folk's home. He curses fate for what happened to him. My friend lost her dad on the day of the accident.Because he kept to his part of the house for many years since that day, never coming out.And now he's far away in a Home. But to her, he is a hero. Because he saved someone,that person's family is thankful to him.And that makes her proud. She lives with that belief. But the thing is, she made a sacrifice as well, she could have been bitter that she lost her dad...but instead she chose that approach. In my eyes, that makes her a Hero as well.
15 February, 2004
I've decided. I know some of you are going ....yea what now? But you know what? I've decided to be happy... because quite frankly i'm tired of being angry...tired of being tired...and being angry makes me impossibly tired. Solution? stop being angry. Anger may drive me. But sometimes its also downright draining. It's also remarkable how Hazey decided to be happy at the same time i did!! Seems like Murder Game bonded us in more than just one way...Seriously, sometimes i think the Heads drove ourselves to a pt. where we broke down completely...emotionally and otherwise. And every time it SEEMED like i found myself... i start questioning again...is that really me? is that who i want to be? I look at all my blogs and i see so many different ppl talking.....GOD that is so bloody scary. But anyhow...the first step to making myself happy is to smile. And also... i've decided... to stop thinking about whats going on in my family... its their problem... not mine.Its my parents burden not mine. I would like to write a tribute to my friends: Who are these excellent people? In an alphabetical order: AZIZAH-(HAZIZA - i finally get Xuan's j/k BORN:23rd NOV) One of the most nicest ppl i have ever had the pleasure of meeting...She helped me With my CSA proj. when she hardly even knew me!!! She is the kind of person you can rely on,she can be wise,you can trust her,But she is also fragile in some ways yet soooo strong in others.Right now shes got alot going for her...the teachers see alot of potential in her..and i know shes gonna go real far... She will probably become CEO of some organisation or other...but the thing is ..she's so kind i don't see her yelling at anyone.... wahahaahhaha...she is simply great. MELVYN-(smelly melly, English BORN:FEB 20Th, six days after Valentines) This guy is...indescribable...just like what nad said once. He can be unbelievably annoying at some points to the extent i feel like strangling him, (but of course i never show it...i always maintain my cool and calm exterior heeheehee)...but incredibly sensitive at other times? He is obviously talented... Needs to be pushed to the front sometimes...but its beginning to seem like he doesn't need much help nowadays...heheeheee..And that's excellent really. Some one who is able to make sense when no one else can....incredibly humourous... at times, but not when he's going...kaBEEETaa...KAAAAAAbeethaaa... and the various other ways to pronounce my full name...he seems to have infected Nad recently...HELP.ONe hell of a brudder..definetely someone whos gonna make my poly edu..very interesting...he's gonna be bad for health...i can tell... NADIRA-(naddynad BORN :oct 25TH, eight days after eminem's) Heeheehee...this one arh...you can chat for hours with her on end... she is simply enjoyable...and truly every guy's dream girl. She is rather chatty...like i've already said...and one can just giggle with her about almost everything..anything can seem funny when you're with Nad. One funny ladyeee.She truly is a leader in her own ways... from what i hear about her sec sch days....she is one hell of a leader!Wah fierce sia! and she and her cat...alamak...i'm never gonna forget stories about her cat.i think i will always remember her..not that i need to at this point...but she has this incredibly infectious laughter...and i've never seen her down... she is also someone i can look up to. PRISCILLA-(Wormtail,BoRN: SEP 9th..two days before you-know-when) ahaha....acquiescence..is her middle name...always agreeable...and always with a smile on her face...the second girl to pick up guitar playing in GM... she is very serious about her work...and one hell..i mean, heaven of a devouted christian...her faith is unwavering...and she comes from what i like to call the model family....both her and her bro are prefects...parents belong to the PTA...all of them are church members..and the list goes on ...my vision of perfection. TERENCE-(LILY...I was James Potter...Prongs...wth..BORN: April 1st,April fool's day- ahahhahaa) Otherwise also known as "The Father",and Tomomi Sakura...This guy is one sarcastic bitch man.... i tell you he can never stop commenting...a bit like mel..w/o the perfect english..i can only recall all the squabbling btw him and Vanessa...MY GOD...He's become a bit of a metrosexual dude you know.... the facial going... kleenex carrying type?Strangely he's also one of the heads in NPCC how he even made the cut i don't know... i met him in DRama...he was playing the Cow...moo moo...heheheh... Forever making comments about his mum... he is a joy to hang around with...too bad i don't see him much around anymore.... LOooooUUUUVEEEEEE UUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! VANESSA-(Lupin...Moony.... She was the prefect,BORN:OCT 18, one day after eminem's, the last day of exams in GM weheehee) She is one cool chick man.... still see her twice a week during church stuff... she's the first female guitar player GM ever had...she's totally into underground music,and one hell of a rocker chick!!!She is very simple...never extravagant...unlike her brother , marc...She is also one strong ladyeeeeeeeee.... she's been through so much but she always keeps it within...when i read her blog i almost had a thrombosis...because so much had been going on and she did'nt tell me...whether she knows it or not she's privy to EVERYTHING about me...stuff i don't tell Nad..or Mel or Az about...The best part about her is that she is so level-headed abt everything you just know whatever comes out of her head is bound to be good advice...I just wish sometimes i could do the same for her...but with school the way it is...i never get to spend much time with her nowadays.I love her mom...and her brother..marc...i am ready to adopt all three of them as my family just like that....Her pet name...TOT-TOT...know why? she used to TOTter around when she was young...wahhahahahahah!!!! I know shes going to kill me when she sees this. The strange part about all my friends? NOne of them are pure anything.... Azi- Buoyanese Mel- peranakan Nad-indian/sarawak/malay pris- indo chinese Terry- thai peranakan ness- peranakan and me? some classification of indian i am not even gonna begin to describe here. ANYWAYS>>>>>>>>>>HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE--- MWACCCKKKSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
14 February, 2004
If you don't understand me ...don't judge me... cos when i start judging you...you're not gonna like it. And i guess i rushed into friendships too early...cos the friends i thot i liked at one pt. turned out to be gr8 fuckin mistake...woopsie.. I have got no patience for screwballs who are so full of' em selves they can't see beyond their noses...and spend so much time pretending to be humble. Some ppl think i'm some weepy, dumb,blur,screw-up-who laughs a hell lot and makes alot of noise, and simply makes a fool out of herself ...well again... its only because i choose to be...I can be NICE... to ppl i think are my frenz... who are sincere..and actually don't judge me at all. but to YOU, whenever you make me angry...i keep quiet because i just don't wanna blow up in your face...Cos u see i'm trying to be nice. But hell to all those motha fuckers who think i don fight back becos i'm too weak... hell. just step on my toes one more time then you can see wats dished out to you.So lay off asshole.
11 February, 2004
Things i hate about myself/ or my life. 1. I hate it when i procrastinate...sometimes the job just needs to get done now, and at this moment, but i always put it off... just reminds me of the way my father does things. 2. I hate it, when i slack and just eat and sleep and allow myself to get fat, my jogging shoes don't fit my fat feet anymore... fat fat fat...thats the reason why my mother is panicking right now..cause there are alot of my clothes i can't fit into now, and she keeps calling me big, fat, dark and ugly nowadays...i think i agree with her, cause i look nothing like her....She's kinda pretty. 3. I hate it when i let myself not stay on top of things, like my studies, skip lectures and not touch my notes, get over-involved with rubbish in school...and simply let my grades slide... 4. I hate it when there are friends who need help, but there isn't a goddamn thing i can do to help them. 5. I especially hate it when my past keeps following me around...when family problems blow up in my face, and when history repeats itself. 6. I hate it when i suddenly become depressed and irrational,for reasons that are too lengthy to explain here, and its a problem i can't seem to get rid of, but as long as i'm spiritually sound...i'm fine. So what happens when i backslide? i go crazy. Wow. Nice Threat...lol 7.I hate it when i reach a plateau, when i get egoistical, and think i'm pretty good, no need to try harder... haha...i'm such a fuckin' fool. 8. I hate it when there are people out there who give up on life after getting slapped in the face by a wet noodle, when there are people who are dead bent on carrying on even though they're burdened by an amazing amount of problems. 9. I hate it when i see her, and get that feeling..that feeling of like i am so bloody disgusted with myself,what is wrong with my hormones???? And at the same time i'm Ga-ga over C.F.M.Q??? Wat de hell. 10. i Hate it when all my dad talks about is how wonderful my cousin Gayathri is. He CALLS her on her B-day to wish her happy B-day, what do i get? Not even acknowledgement. He would get her gifts... what do i get? Not even a single-ply tissue.And i'm supposed to type reports for him on why my phone bill is so high. Sometimes i wish he'd hurry up and leave on that dumb pilgrimage shit already. There you go.stuff i hate abt myself..and oh only ten...what a nice round number.
10 February, 2004
I'm Tired. Yea. Some times i just keep quiet and zone out cause i have nothing left to say, and my head buzzes with loads of crap. I don't want to grow up... i wanna tell those kids i see playing in my old schools' court to enjoy what they're doin now,Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Its not what you think it is.Run away. AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH.....For some reason i have alot to think about recently, plus Seems like i keep coming back to the same problem at least in some point in my life.I feel like laughing.NICE JOKE GOD! wahahahaha! But this time i'm not even sure if i should make it my problem, i mean yea, it'd be so easy to be a smart ass and get involved... but to try to untangle yourself once you're in the mess is one hell of a headache , not to mention heartache. After Priscilla Chen i swore if i ever came across another person like that again i'd raise the flag, turn around and run. But guess what. Mwahahhahah. How Fuckin fun. Shit happens and you gotta ask yourself if maybe this is a second chance for...i dunno penitence? For giving up on a friend the last time round? Should i care? Should i help? Most importantly can i make a difference this time round? Her Other friends are already trying their best and they're tired. I donno if i can do it.I ain anythin special.Am no miracle worker. Always counted on truth being the best help,criticism etc. The issues in question here are deeper than most ppl think.Very similar to what happened with PC. My friends need a break,we all do--- too much has been goin on. But you know what? I might give it a try. No promises, no emotions tied to it. I'll give it a try, because i wanna go right here, whereever it is i went wrong with Pris.Or maybe i'm just doin this out of guilt. To make myself feel better? I'm sayin it now. I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE AT ALL. Like my lil'bro' marc says, my fuse is short. And if you push it i'll be in you're face, screaming my lungs out. Yes MG Actors i see u cringing. lol. But one other thing i do have on my side this time round? GOD. with His grace,wisdom,strength. I can pull it off the second time round. Or so i Pray. This is not a coincidence. No way in hell or Heaven.
Yea it was a bit like waking up from a coma, cos the Kay in poly is so bloody different from The Kay of Secondary School.Yea that's fuckin right.And i'm not just talking about maturity or age or shit like that. See cause this Kay, is so bloody eager to please she'd wag her tail if she had one, this Kay can get stressed about worthless comments made by worthless people,Shite,i know myself better than any Suzy Hoe. The Kay i was before would'nt have given a crap about what people thought about her, not even the people she called friends.The Kay i was before had a focus, a goal, and had ideals ...and the moment she stepped into poly, she lost that goal,that focus , that ideal- the things that got me here in the first place.I forgot why i joined Law & mgt., and its about time i found it again, before it gets to be too late.Here, things happen too fast. Wanna know who exactly i was before? i was a bitch. Really. Maybe to some of you i still am. I never allowed myself to feel disappointment,jealousy,sadness and definetely no angst. The one emotion i did let myself have the luxury of feeling? Anger. Yea anger against myself for being a stupid fool, for letting myself get kicked in the heart- by family...by friends.Anger got things done for me.Anger kept me from falling asleep so i could study for one month str8 for the O's. from F student To 4 Distinctions. Happiness...yea when i got what i wanted, laughter? something i use to cover up.Fun? a stress reliever. The one principle i lived by? Daring to do/say the things that people needed to hear..but everyone was so afraid to tell/do. The truth. I was'nt afraid of being hated. Not at All. Time was precious back then.And i felt the need to leave my mark. Why did i "torture" myself so much? Well stuff that was goin on back home was one.. i wanted to stop giving satisfaction to those people who thought they could keep kicking me down, so i could get back up again look them in the face and go- is that all you got? why don't you give me you're best shot? Two? friends who took me for granted... i was'nt about to be treated like dog meat you know... had enough of shooting myself in the foot.(For The GM Ppl you Know who i'm refering to.) When those Thai warrior guys kick the bark of Banana trees, till the trunk is mashed to a pulp,they do it because sooner or later their shins are gonna harden till one whack is all you need to crack your skull. So thats how i let my heart harden... By reminding myself of things that happened because of my blindness- so i told myself repeatedly...no trust,no sign of weakness,discipline and determination. so when the time comes and its my turn to pitch... heads would roll. So what happened now? i came to poly. I lied to myself, thought maybe things would be different here, I let myself go soft- so much so that even the slightest discomfort, pain and hurt is enough to bring me down. The Murder Game was one mistake i will never make again- emotion wise i mean, and by the way warriors DO NOT CRY, it caused alot of confusion on my part cause i did'nt understand why i let myself become so weak.I just let go of everything that i forced myself to learn, to swallow.I let my defenses down way too early and too much.See no matter where you go people are the same - the faces change yes.... but the people they stay the same...the ones who are different are the ones you trust.I trust my friends cause their different.they like Honesty.With them i can be myself. I think i just found who i was again...maybe the person i Forced myself to become is not someone i might like, but atleast its someone i can use as a shield to survive.Being nice ain't gonna get me anywhere.This world isn't you're oyster...its you're greatest enemy.one you have to overcome. This world is a Scary place. But only if you let it be.
08 February, 2004
was not kind. He sits and watches, And for now his eyes are closed. But He knows. He Always Knows. An eye opens! It Closes. I breathe again. There used to be my SuperMan. There was nothing that could not be done by him. All i had to do was ask. Such perfection was he, a perfect guard, a perfect playmate, a perfect story-teller. Simply perfect. Everything evil was kept at bay. All feared my Superman, and i was safe as long as i had him. And so, the years passed. But one day SuperMan cried, and i asked- why? No Answer. So,i took his big hand in mine, looked up at him and asked again- why? But with a fierce growl, he tore his hand away from mine!, as if.... as if, i was... - THE ENEMY. And then His cape came sliding off, Frantic,i try to pin it back to his shoulders... But the wind...oh the wind... it is too strong the red cape it is blown away. Then i see what he is. Underneath the cape... is someone else. It Cannot Be!!!-i cry Left is no Superman. This man... he...He is... Someone else. It is a man indeed. Another Man, The Man Who Had Come To Take Over. I Weep...for SuperMan Is No More. The person i wrote this for will never read this...maybe someday he might...and till the day he does... this entry will be here. For you, Naina.
07 February, 2004
But it was more than that,there were those depressing statistics of course,and it was not so much about what God disapproves of, but rather what you do to yourself when you just give it away. See we all know the basic purpose of sex... to reproduce,duh... but also it carries so much more impact- intellectually,spiritualy,emotionally,ethically and physically.And there is also that thing about saving yourself for that special someone,cause when you finally do find that someone it is an unspoken promise that you are whole,pure and untouched.And of course there is the fact that there is true love...not infatuation ...not lust...love.A commitment. Its a pity because so many people succumb to the lures and temptings of love-making,only to realise after they've done it that there is no actual reason for it other than lust and it would have so easy to walk away or say no. For women when they do it, its a promise of love, sex is an act of love...a manifestation of their inner feelings... but for men love is the result of sex... i donno if thats the way all men think..but generally it is so. And i know of so many people -girls who do it...and then regret it ...for life... and they have to live with the consequences...it is so painful to witness the suffering they have to go through for life because of five minutes of pleasure. so we have to learn to know where to draw the line. And also, Date for Marriage... i mean yes the idea may sound alien to some, strange even...cause what if the person you date turns out being someone you're sure is not for you...especially not for the rest of your life..are you still supposed stay with them anyway?but thats where the facilitator continued explaining...you date and you know where to draw the line...and because you did, there is nothing on the line,and both parties can part peacefully if things don't work out. Then of course if things do work out, you continue dating..get to know the person better,and begin to love the person more...cause love as we all know...takes time. right?The reason for dating for marriage is because,well there is no point in doing anything without a purpose is there? Imagine you engage in a relationship,without a vision of where you're gonna end up at the end of the road..and you're not even sure that this is the kind of girl/guy you want to get married to..where will you be at the end of the day? i am still trying to grasp that concept, i realise theres some loopholes in it ...but i have to agree it is practical,and has some logic to it. But for the moment...i think staying out of relationships is for the best...its just too much trouble...way too much.There is no one to like anyway. Sigh.
05 February, 2004
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