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19 March, 2004
Today morning i was bombarded with more than 5 msgs asking me how my dad was. Caring people i mix with.Thanks guys. But that is of course if you're not asking for the sake of asking. i loathe insincerity, which is why i'm pretty thankful most of my friends are'nt falling all over themselves asking how i am. i appreciate simple gestures. like some of em go "how's your dad?" and then they don't press it if i don't wanna take it any further. After that, they just laugh with me over whatever took place during the day. I appreciate them not tip-toeing around me.i like the normalcy. Then there are some who do the necessary. They gave me time to settle my stuff and mean while they're covering me school front.Handling most of the project stuff.. cos God knows all the Beaureaucratic crap you have to handle in Singapore,and knowing the sch stuf is being handled,thats really assuring cos on one hand i'm puzzling over the difference btw all the various modes of God knows what payment, while the nice receptionist explains it for like what seems the millionth time.The last thing i need is to fret over OP. cos if anything screws up the old coot is gonna strangle me.wahahha..Thank you. And there are those who give me spiritual strength,They pray and i appreciate that.It helps. I just find it absolutely hilarious that on some occasions i end up assuring the other very much emotional party that its all gonna be fine.You would think it shd be the other way round. Maybe its because they actually see something i don't?hmm.. And there are those who are so absolutely fake, i don't know what to say. i just brush'em off and leave it at that.. i mean, if you don't know what to say then leave it at that. i'm not expecting a single thing ,man.You don't have to fall all over yourself trying to prove you care. Alot of bad stuff has happened recently. oh wait did i say recently? correction... something bad takes place everyday... only recently it has been worse than usual. What an optimist huh? i'm just being realistic. you get your balance of good and bad... you get your exceptionally goods days and all the bad comes rushing later. i just don't really give a damn anymore. Yea. And for some reason some ppl expect me to be really weepy sad or something. But i just don't know why i'm not. i'm not even the slightest bit sad..pissed ..maybe. my view on the whole situation is.. if he makes it ,ok, good ...so i gotta see him a lil' longer.If he doesn't, then well, too bad, life goes on.. i'll find a way around it.i guess i've become accustomed to loss. After a while it all becomes numb. The doc said the medication isn't working, well then they just wasted $10,000 bucks using med that's not working. i wish they'd make up their mind, at first they say he's better then they say he's not. Now apparently he needs to undergo operation. hmmm... well like i said, i'll be there ... but whatever happens, happens.Life will go on. i'm prepared for the worst. i always am. in everything you do expect the worst.And anyway i'd been expecting something like that to happen for a while, so when the news came no suprise, i don't even know why i'd expect something as morbid as that, but still... Even my brother was like"how come you're not panicking?" I was calm as .. whatever that tends to be calm. haha. la la la ... dum di dum. I feel kinda stern..i can actually almost even feel my heart hardening... what the hell!! is that even possible??maybe i'm suffering from some kind of disease... right... maybe mental retardation shd cover it...you think they have insurance for that?
18 March, 2004
I think its called despair, profound despair. Everyday, for the past few years, without fail. Despair. I don't know why. and then i get dressed, i go to school. On the way, i put on the mask called Kay. Its a smile, all the witty remarks,the insane laugh and the crazy ideas and dares. A character.I play my role well. She can solve everyone else's problems, to her own she knows there are none. So in denial she lives. Laughing at the most despairing moments of her life. refusing to feel.Refusing to acknowledge the existence of her problems.Feelings are but a hassle she's been taught. Allow other ppl to feel, feel for them. But your problems are your own.And its true, no one REAlly cares. everyone pretends ..everyone plays a role. At night, the shadows lurk on your wall. The pain leaks out and stains your pillowcases,the tears are free-flowing...your only release. you remember so much.and you fear, you worry,you weep. you fall into slumber...but the nightmares follow...you would think these fears should be gone... but they're still there... you fear you're gonna be left all alone...and then they would win. Suddenly in the night you wake up to check if they're still alive. that's how afraid you are. everynight. Everyday of my life.Reality. i fear i will lose them. that's how fragile they are. then i'll be all alone. so many times almost they left me.But i prayed, and then it was ok. By day i pretend, by night i contend with the consequences of being who i am. they tell me it isn't my problem, but how can i help it? the fear refuses to leave me. It even invades my dreams.tired. oh so tired. Sometimes the dreams are'nt even about them...they're about something big, and disturbing,and hateful, about other lives, about my life.i used to get scared...so scared... the smallest things scared me...now..It leaves me drained and numb.I don't even get the meaning sometimes. will it end? when?am i crazy? am i mad? why can't i be happy? i used to be happy. sometimes in my head... i swear i don't know why... i hear this loud crashing noise and screams... and pain..its a huge tearing noise... like when those bastards speed on the highway. or an animal's screech and then i hear muttering in strange languages, strange voices, many voices. it hurts... badly... on the side of my head. migraine. i wonder what it is.maybe i am crazy.Result of dabbling in occult?. hahah. why me?
17 March, 2004
Insurance policy Hospital papers Making sure mummy dearest does'nt break down. Consoling A friend who's friend died. Doing my OP Doing my tort Doing my macro Doing my MBS Making my brother doesn't get upset and ignored in the middle of all of this. Making sure i stay in contact with God. Wait shd'nt this come first?? Making sure no one from the other side of the family gets a whiff of this. My life - how exciting...lol
YEA ... I'M CONFUSED.
Wahaha..pardon the pun. I decided you have to live,i mean they need you and they want you to be around... so i guess i'll just have to pray for you to get well, and maybe even try to forgive. Cos if she can forgive you..so can i ...cos God knows you've done worse to her..and to think she still loves you that much???? Indian values sure are something are'nt they?? But you know what the terrible truth is? You don't deserve it. None of it. In fact death would be too easy for you..you gotta live... and suffer as you live... cos guess what ..you can't smoke anymore, you can't drink coffee anymore, wahahhaha! i'm gonna enjoy every minute of it. am i too mean? But you have always been meaner, in fact i believe right now i'm not doing you justice. Oh well, did you have to get ill during OP week?... atleast i've got a gd excuse if i don't do well..lol am i evil enough to live up to my grandma's standards yet??? oh well i seriously hope you get to read this... strange thing is, a side of me still holds affection for what used to be you. Sad.I feel i shd be capable of feeling absolutely nothing for you after years of "training" under your torture, what a let down huh?Well what's new? to you i'll always be a let down right? that is why you'd rather have the younger one in the room with you rather than me isn't it?that's why you chased me off right?No matter what i do? just because i look like her, just because they wanted me, just because they thought i would listen to them?i'm the enemy? Go look in the mirror. my salutes to you my man...you even turned the one person i loved against me... you really are the master of mental manipulation.Is that why you think you're God? To those of you reading this... this isn't for you, so fuck off and the person this is meant for... i know you visit this blog from time to time, and so yea this is what i have to say...cos i can't be bothered to tell it to ur face. wow..its gone from frank admiration to worship and undeniable faith and trust to disbelief, then denial, then anger, then hope, finally i've arived at total hate and disassociation.hmm interesting...but i don't think you care do you? yea i'm right you don't. what am i saying? to you i'm an investment.sorry to say this but this one isn't gonna give you any returns.
16 March, 2004
But i did'nt want to hear it.The truth went against what i knew.What i believed. But he broke through, right through the barrier that kept me safe from hearing it. His grip was vice-like,he forced me to open my eyes. And so for what seemed like the first time, i did. How i wish i had kept them shut. Outside my window lay ruined... Humanity. Corpses littered the ground, the drains flowed with blood, The sky was wounded and it bled crimson droplets that only added to the mayhem beneath. No longer did it thunder with might like it once used to, there were no more great flashes of brilliant lightning. My world was stained. My world was corrupted. It was destroyed.Plague,pestilence,immorality,and hate filled the air.The pungent,sulphric fumes choked me. The man turned to me and hissed, "THIS is HeLL." I live in hell.We live in hell. That' the truth. Everyone puts on a mask,a lie, a facade,and they live believing in that lie and that facade. The mask? their only protection. Who's telling the lie? I know of a man who claims to be God. He is self-righteous,he is mean,and he is an egoistical being.He is also very much corrupted,vile,violent,paranoid,believes everyone but himself to be flawed, wants to be idolised,and has the most disgusting of habits. There are many such people in the world, he isn't the only one. People who rape children and abuse women, people who want to be worshipped,who crave power, who are perverted, who engage in homosexual behaviour and encourage our youths to participate in it.People who maintain a facade to show the entire world how good and gracious they are, but at home when no one is looking they turn around and remove their masks, and reveal who they really are, sometimes online,the realm of the devil according to some. All of us play a part in making this place hell, some more than others. But just the same all of us can play a part in making this place better. And just the same, there are many such people who try and keep on going no matter what. i may not make much sense, but the person i am talking about, i know you will come by here and i hope you read it and realise how disappointed i am. For years, you have mentally tortured me,you have driven me crazy, you have made accusations against me.You pretend that you care,but the only person you care for is yourself,looking at you, i see a monster. So i have distanced myself from you.i refuse to acknowledge you, i am disgusted with you,YOU ARE AN egoistical,self-worshipping,self-exalting, power-hungry LIAR. Even if you died i would'nt care, most of my life i spent worshipping you before i woke up.In fact, i want to kill you, i want to take a knife and stab you repeatedly with it for all the hurt you've inflicted on people, and i mean this...i would'nt even care if i went to jail, people like you should not exist.you are vile and you are scum. And never have i ever hated some one as much as this before.The only reason i am stopping myself? Is because my mother needs me.Push it and then nothing is gonna come between me and cutting you apart slowly. Everyday I realize that this might be the last day of my life Walkin down the streets I find I'm coming closer and closer to losing my mind Cause when it rains, it pours Isn't life worth more? I don't even know what I'm hustlin for You gotta do what you gotta do Just to make it through All the hard times that's gonna face you Living will always be a struggle Looking for someone true to love you Looking back I see all the horrors This madness makes me wanna hide I watch slowly, internally I'm dying Pillowcases wet from all my crying Cause there is nothing more to be here for Take me away I can't live that life no more
This pain in my heart just follows me by day AND AT NIGHT STALKS ME LIKE THE SHADOWS ON MY WALL Oh my goodness Feels like the world is closing on me Feels like my dreams will never come to me I keep on slippin' deeper into myself And I'm scared, so scared If you're troubled You just gotta let it go If you're worried baby You just gotta let it go All your hustles ain't for nothing You just gotta take it slow When you need me baby All you do is let me know Why does it feel That my mind is constantly trying to pull me down I can't seem to get away Continuous mistakes I know I've made before How long will I feel so out of place AMEN
12 March, 2004
Why do i say the things i say? <em>The way i say it, am i the only one who can put it that way?? Theres not many out there who are all that special...who think in the weird and fantastic ways i've seen some ppl do. There are ppl i am still discovering sides to,The special ones. Ppl i once underesimated. Ppl i now find myself listening to,gathering their words of wisdom like pearls. There are ppl i know who can do great things if they wanted to but just can't be bothered.And i wonder why.Maybe its because they're just that smart. There are ppl who can mask their abilities so well, that when you hear abt the things that they can do, you go..."her/him???" There are ppl who believe in something so much they'd do any thing to see it through. There are ppl who don't believe in thinking "what if?" They just do it and go"now what??" I do things and say things, because in that moment it is so right. And when the moment is gone...its gone forever. Doing things out of the ordinary makes one's life interesting.Going up to that one person and saying that one thing can set your life in a totally different direction. Doing that one thing that no one else is willing to do,despite telling yourself once"no way in hell am i ever gonna do that again!!!!", yea believing that your gonna do it just once more..and this time do it right, is all the decision you need to make.That's why i am gonna propose Murder game 2 to Mr. Ferlin after OP week. Also taking that bold step to change your life, maybe for worse, maybe for better but coming away from it knowing you followed your heart and having no regrets,makes life worth living.That's why i am gonna join that Idol thing.I think i am gonna take that risk,and i am gonna work hard at it,and i'm gonna defeat it. I don't lose DARES.
07 March, 2004
1. Still reminding yourself that certain scenes would have looked better if only they had done it in another fashion. 2. Still discussing past events that get you revved up and angry 3. using your 10 editions of the script as recycled paper to do your school work on, because thats what screwed up your studies in the first place. REVENGE. 4.Having dreams of the video clips not being able to play,and waking up in cold sweat only to realise its all over,and done with. 5.When you draw parallels between real life and the entire concept of the game. 6. When you start sleeping the entire day,wake up and still feel tired...and this after about one month since the thing ended. 7.When you find yourself going into the previous chapters in you MBS book and realise you don't understand a single word.Because thats how many lectures you've skipped. 8.When a whole group of you pretend the air conditioning is making noise, when your teacher suggests we come up with a second season of it. 9. When you still refer to a certain group of peolple as production,actors and publicity. 10. When you still keep the friends you've made during the course of the game and actually enjoy their company. And i swear this is one of the best things that happened.And i don't usually swear.
yes... today was good. Question on your mind right now. WHY? Well it involved A certain Paula Abdul "cradio exercise" workout video, Konyaku jelly,A whole bunch of law students who came with food, a certain apartment in Kembangan, belonging to a certain lecturer and his Girlfriend. And this is certainly true. Well, it was 5 hours of fun i'd say, with loads of digs and mockery and teasing on our part, ("our" being mel,nad, azi and me) oh yea, not to forget, criminal intimidation,assault, and only god knows what else...We endlessly teased mr ferlin about his status as an owner of the above-mentioned Paula Abdul CD. And although he claimed that it was a gift, we steadfastedly refused to believe it,and went on taunting...wahahhaaha!!!! But eventually,when Mr Ferlin found out that he was wimping away during GOTHIKA., mel got jibed back at wahahah!!!..and you all saw my opinion on that movie so needless to say er hrm er hrm..-_-..But of course he's got nothing on Nad and Azi and me...so .... after OP ...after the results are out we might reconsider bringing it up again.Waahahha!!! Murder Game 2? apparently he's gonna hound me about it... we'll just see about that..the last one "screwed our education up" to quote Mel. And i'm thinking if it does happen again...well...i think its going to take great planning and co-ordination, control, and discipline and it has to start during the holidays. So for the moment i saying boo-yah.Cause the effects of the last one are still busy being worn off.... and i just got back to normal...and if i am going to be pulled into doing this again?? well mel, nad , azi get ready cos you guys are gonna be involved as well.wahhahhahah!!!!! I just came back from this great social inter-mingling about an hour ago...and at this very moment i have this strange suspicion that Mr. Ferlin is gossiping about us with his Girlfriend...hmmmm i've heard he does that alot.hehehhe.well we've still got paula abdul... So right now you know what i'm gonna do?? i am gonna log off because i don't seem to be saying anything useful right here...i just seem to be babbling on.and on and on.. see i'm doing it again..so i am going to go read my book... Because it's a really interesting book...and it ought to be read... but in the event i fall asleep in the middle of it(NAD) it means i am tired and not because the book is boring.so i ought to get going now..which i will and am..so why am i still here?? ok i'm gone.. bye.
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