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27 November, 2004
With a new sem, comes new decisions, and when i make one, i try to stick to it. And i've decided.Somehow, possibly its fated... things worked out that way.. and it looks like it's gonna make my decision alot easier to handle.I really don't think my presence will be missed much... if at all. I don't care. Time to to find a place to belong to.
So there i was skipping across puddles and making my way to the traffic junction, feeling the rain droplets on top of my head... when suddenly, something came over my head... for a moment there i thought it stopped raining. When i realised someone was holding an umbrella over my head. I had a shock... in Lil singapura, its not everyday you get to experience this sort of kindness.Therefore, one tends to conclude that anyone who extends a helping hand does it in expectation of something, for example, fellatio. But one look and i had to chide myself for my unworthy thoughts. She was a short lady, quite sweet looking. And the most remarkable thing about her was this.... aura of ... i don't know ... love she seemed to exude. In fact she even looked a little down-syndromish. So after my long moment of shock, i managed to wheeze out a "thanks", and i continued gaping like one of the "friendly and loving" kois in our school koi pond. The light turned green and we crossed, she started telling me that i should carry an umbrella, in fact i'd say i got a good natured nagging about the benefit of carrying an umbrella around. She even wanted to walk me all the way back home, although she lived in a completely different housing estate. However i managed to convince her that my shawl would suffice, and she stayed long enough to shelter me till the other light turned green as well, and she wished me "Happy Deepavali." Now usually, i would say thanks, and leave it at that. I don't know the hell why, but i said.. "Oh, no, i don't celebrate Deepavali..", Then what do you celebrate? she asked.. to which i said, "Christmas, i celebrate.. Christmas." Which totally suprised me. I am not into loudly proclaiming i am Christian, i'd rather be one through my acts than pay lip-service. But there i was telling a complete stranger, that.. in a way... i was proud to be Christian. So i crossed the road, and went home and spent the rest of the week not giving the incident a second thought, until today... Cause today while looking at the rain, i realised something... Before she left the lady asked me what my name was.... So i told her... KAY... And since it was only polite to ask hers in return, I asked. Guess what? Her name.... was Christine. Hmm.
20 November, 2004
Was excellente. I know i didn't show it, but hey. To those in the not know. It was because... I finally found my Devdas, and Paro. FINALLY. My Leads are coming out. I am Beyond glad. After everything that has taken place, this is such a release. Finally ... Finally... Finally. Yesterday when i got such a bad headache that i threw up, *yeah it kind of freaked me out* I was thinking... "Good God this is it, i'm dying because of the stress." And Today what happened was this- we did the scene with Paro and Devdas reliving their childhood, and their love. We call it the "elope with me" scene, And all the while the only one i've seen turn on the waterworks was Paro, but today... My dearest, one and only, MELLY/GAY-BOY/BRUDDER... CRIED!!!!! See, i don't know la, when actors use their personal experiences, its fine. But i don't know this particular one jarred me a little.Well come to think of it, i've been jarred alot, by alot of things, not just acting methods. But hey, thats the job description, Swallow and Smile. This script, is difficult, very,very, difficult. And if you don't cultivate the right emotions for it, you will never pull it off. Maybe, because of its complexity, it is so difficult to comprehend and relate to. Unlike STTD, which in its simplicity just blows you away. Especially for me, Every Rehearsal was amazing. Because there was connection. Because it was about sibling love. But what do you do when you've never loved and lost before? I can only imagine. hmmm.... Oh well... Never mind, anyways i just want to tell a particular individual out there, Miss Pure-Talent-My-Ass, that Girlfriend... thats the difference between you and the real stuff. Even if talent body-slammed you, you wouldn't know it. BAH. ______________________________________________________________________ "This Girl Is A Wall. How long Has It Been SinCe You Cried huh? Do you CrY? Have You EvEr Cried BeFoRe? HoW MAny YEArs hAs It BeEN?" I cry for the strangest of things. Because a friend got scolded, Because of something religious maybe. But For Myself? So far.... once.The First Time in... Many years. Really cried. During rehearsal once, with my lead actoress. Thats all, thats enough. Because if I'm Seen crying, SOMEONE might say i'm acting. And that i deserve an Oscar. Know who i'm talking about? My father, thats who. He said that to me when i was 15? All because i wanted to go to church. The man who believed that "all rivers led to the stream" refused to let me go to the church because the ppl in the church looked stuck up. And there is no real christian anyway.He told me.. "do you know how difficult it is to be christian? Don't call yourself christian when you don't even know what it means". Yea like you do right? Cause you are Christ right? FUCK YOU AH. And the best part is i believed you. And after that? I found out all kinds of things about you. Like hell you are Christ. Ever since then... i never really ever cried for my self again. Never ever let myself be "hurt". I get angry. Tears come down, but thats not crying. Thats just tearing. And even if i am hurt. Hey, theres my pillow, and sleep. sweet release. weee...... So yea. Why get hurt, when you can get angry?
15 November, 2004
12 noon. Kay wakes up, opens door to room, and walks out only to have brother zooming past her into his own room, screaming at the top of his voice, and having the dog nipping at his heels. Seconds later,he zooms straight back out, still yelling, only this time, he's chasing the dog with his sports shoe in hand. I live in a real-life cartoon. LOL.
Father: The mountain will not go to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain. Brother, Ram: What's Mohammed gonna do at the mountain? Father: Don't ask so many questions, father's are supposed to advise and that's what i did. What am i supposed to say when you ask me questions like this? (To mother) Nitha, what kind of children have you given me? (marches off towards kitchen, leaving bewildered children behind) What a family.
13 November, 2004
º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: hey!!! º
happy deepavali ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: hey same to you º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: did u see my dad @ serangoon RD ? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: yea ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: ?? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: haha º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: u waved @ him ah ? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: yea ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: ?? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: cool ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: why?? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: nah º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he told me thats y º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: so i was wondering if he was suffering from old age or something ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: something wrong?? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: no no º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: nothing wrong ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: just ... happy º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: *hugz* ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: i thot he took offence at that or something º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he didn'y ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: *hugz back* º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: didn't º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he was.... actually kindda pleased º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: haha ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: really? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: issit ? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: why? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: yeah he was º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: dunno .... º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: hehe º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he never say ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: how did he tell you? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: bah u noe my father lah ... can be a pain in the ass sometimes º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: haha ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: well ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: no comments º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he was like... guess who i saw today ? and i was like ... erm ... who º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: and he was like kabitha!!! º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: haha º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he has no clue i'm in contact with u ... º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: so yeah º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: he must hve thought it was the shock of the century ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: hahha and wat comments did he have to make abt lil ol moi?? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: nothing much really ... hehe ... he had a big toothy grin on his face lah ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: oh? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: really º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: yeah ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: wow ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: ^^ º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: oh... a little follow up though ... º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: mum told me that bethama said she misses u ... cause they went over to THE house yesterday ...and my dad told them º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: and i was like .... = = ''' º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: hurr ... ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: ah... ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: really? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: yeah º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: mum told me lah ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: well i miss her too ... sometimes º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: ^^ º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: oh well ... º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: things will work out º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: anyhu º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: lets stop talking about family ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: well if they want... ask them to come watch the play º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: seriously ? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: Oo ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: yea ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: seriously ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: cant' get them free tix tho ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: they 'll have to pay º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: ^^ º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: hmmm º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: u noe ... ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: you'll have to take the tic orders ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: and pass to charis º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: u should think this through though ... cause ... well ... wad if ur dad finds out and all ... ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: hmm.. true º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: then it would get really serious ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: haiz... true º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: don't want u in trouble u noe ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: but he's not gonna be there ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: and you invited them ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: thru charis ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: i have nothin to do with it ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: rite? ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: solid plan ? º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: rite ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: hehe º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: sure ^^ ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: nah ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: maybe just tell gaya and mano º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: but ... i;d rather u give it a better think ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: hmmm ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: yea ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: i know impulses kay impulses º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: cause .... i don't want them hurting u in the end ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: thks ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: for caring º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: of course i'll care º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: *huggles* º*•!¤»[ MiZuKi ]«¤!•*º fuji desu ^^V EsPlAnAdE... COLOURS on the bAy~ says: i grew up with u remember ---<>--- The REAL ChunniBabu says: lol
Tell me some one, why does it have to be this way? Why can't i speak to my own cousin with out worrying or fearing? Why am i exiled from any and every family gathering? Why after everything, do i still want to have anything to do with my cousins? why do i put up with a delusional, paraniod father who abuses everyone in the family including myself?
Why can't anything to do with me ever be normal?
12 November, 2004
In fact i shd. if only i could..sadly the flexibility of my legs has its limits. Why KAY?? Just because you're open to it doesn't mean everyone else is. Not him (T). Not the other one either (N). especially N. I seriously think i'm not good enuff a friend for this one. Sometimes i feel very protective of him, i can't help it... strangely enough.. call it maternal instincts. Weird isn it? feeling motherly towards a friend who is older than you are? And T please forgive me dear. It was a serious mistake on my part. i totally forgot where i was saying what. I can't apologize enough. You trusted me and told me this and here i am ruining your trust. I am hoping it didn even appear, and if it did and you did something about it, i want to say thank god. Its wrong.. it is.. understand that.. Kay, you need to get a hold on your self too. oh GOD help us all.
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