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28 May, 2005
This entire month has been a sort of Journey to Mecca for me... a personal Mecca, where for the first time in my life i've been honest to myself about my intentions and more importantly, relationships. Family. Friends. People i hold close to my heart. No, i don't have a special someone in my life. Once i did believe that i was ready for a relationship. But after thinking and thinking... i realised that if i didn't have solid relationships i could count on from friends, and family, in what way did i think i would be able to forge new relationships? Yeah, sometimes i feel like an orphan. Thats how estranged i am from my family. Slowly drifted, and most probably irreconciliable. I mean i do love my mother and brother, but both more because they are my mother and brother and not because they are WHO they are. I know the feeling is probably mutual. They do not know Kay. And hard as it was for me to admit this to Azi and Hana, i need love, long for it even. Unknowingly perhaps. Which is why i told Hana i chose christianity, Because i wanted love. Because it promised me love, something i lost along the way. I love people very much, people who are a part of my life. Because besides God who else is there? I can be the soppiest mushy in the entire world, if it weren't for pride. But i've decided to rid myself of that pride. Once that very pride convinced me i didn't need anyone.And it was torturous.It hardens a person to be that way. Where else was i to find love? With friends of course. But in my greatest times of need, i sometimes go through the phonebook and realise there is no one to call, and even if there is, i could not trust the person to not judge me for what i would say. I love my friends. But unfortunately, i think they do not love me. 2 months. No calls, save for the ones i may make on occasion. No MSN, although we are all online. Yes, i am talking about you two, Melvyn and NAd. And what pride has forbade from saying on many occasions, i say now. Because to some one who doesn't have many relations to call her own, whatever relationships that she does have is sacred. And i don't know how else to do this except here. Our friendship is superficial. It is fairweather. It is mocking and judgemental, And mostly it is selfish and secretive. It isn't a friendship, it is a facade. We laugh together, but we've never cried together. Call it pride, ego, fear whatever. I don't know what you think about me, although i have always treasured your opinion. And rarely do you share it, maybe it because you cannot be bothered to share it, or just that i am so insignificant you simply don't have one. Yes, on occasion, we go out. We laugh. I know how many family members you have. But i don't know you. you have never shared whatever sorrow you seem to be going through, that you so tantalisingly display on your blog, but never seem to elaborate to Azi or i. You are afraid of tears as if it is made of acid.And as a result i have never cried in front of you, because i know you could never handle it. You would make it into a joke. You would never cry with me. I tried to reach out, but all i seem to have gotten in return is silence, and denial. Maybe you guys share with each other, i don't know. In that case, i'm sorry for demanding more, when i obviously have no right to what you don't want to share with me. Secrets tear people apart, and in our case seems to have erected walls. Seriously, i've tried. I was elated when you joined DT, cause that would mean we would share experiences. Of course that was futile. You people are all i have and after 2 years of friendship, THIS is all we have. A superficial friendship.I feel sad. Sad because, i talk about you so much to others, i take pride in being your friend, to me you three may have been the closest friends ever, and now someone i know for less than the time i've known you 2 is a closer friend than you've both ever been. I've said it before. i treat mel like a brother, and nad and az like sisters. Family aside. you are all i have. I know what good people you can be. I just want sincerity from you. . If it sounds like i'm begging then so be it. I just want to be your friend.
26 May, 2005
No, i am not adopting a new surname. *In the first place Kay is not even my real name, Dumbass.* That would require several procedures, or as my Project Management tutor would put it, following of a "Critical Path" to carry through. Writng a column for Legal Blues would be more like it i guess, although i forewarn the editor (Jaslyn) that i may try to revolutionise our school paper in a bid to seek Truth, Justice and eradicate EVIL. * Justice League Theme song plays in background* I guess that means i'll have to kill Jaslyn, and take over. Lol, kidding. *uncrosses fingers* Call me Kay Columnal. Come to think of it, it does have a catchy sort of feel to it don'tcha thunk? Sort of like Scoop Sullivan. Or, maybe i should spend some time rethinking that one. For once i unwillingly relent and admit, life is good. And music, does not affect me although i do believe certain kinds of music played while ingesting meals tends to affect your eating pattern. I listen to Hindi music. Maybe that explains the taking forever to finish my food. If you didn't get that, you need to get a life and catch a Bollywood movie. And while you do that, don't eat, or you might just take 3 1/2 hours to finish that one meal. I still don't believe in Coincidences, and am highly critical of the existence of leprechauns. And no, MX is not living proof of one, i've never seen him wear green, and the only pot he carries around is not filled with gold, its just his pot belly. I think i'm going to need witness protection after putting that down here. But then again i've taken more jibes about my hair from him, he calls me Fuzzy Wazzy on his blog. Revenge tastes like Sprite mixed with Coke. Sweet. mmmm. I shall end with a letter to our dearest ODE.... Where the hell are you man? Please come to school before we break into your house. We miss you. Love, Fuzzy Wazzy. I think that beats Kay Columnal atleast.
25 May, 2005
Ok first day of school, you would think it would be a little less stressful, Buuuut.... no. You're talking my life here... ME... KAY... Since when is my life boring?. It's even worse then a SunTV Soap Opera. By the way, forgive the emotional outburst here to those who saw it, would you believe my luck, seconds after posting it, i try to take it offline, and blogger goes wonky on me!! Any hoo, we had Company Law Lecture today, very adorable new lecturer named well, Think Mee-pok man, minus the Mee, minus the man, and there you go... He never seems to notice people who put up their hands? and this is remarkable considering the fact that he was the one who asks us to ask him questions, or volunteer or something like that. Example: Mr. Pok: Are there any student leaders here? Kay: * Raises hand modestly* Mr.Pok: *Looks around, at the people who haven't put up their hands* Are you a student leader??*Looks at Student who OBVIOUSLY IS NOT* Kay: *Clears throat, raises hand higher* Mr.Pok: *looking amazed* This is amazing NO student leaders??? KAy: *Gives him incredulous look and waves hand from side to side ala rock concert** Cue- Laughter from students and supervising teachers, Miss Yu, and Tan.* AMAZING. Lol. Oh well, should be interesting, What with Bertram making comments that the whole LT can hear, he sounds like Kreacher really, if you've read the Fifth installation of Harry Potter. Well, everyone is still the same. Got my CDS, and a pronouncement from Miss Lim declaring that i am not ready to be a senior. Thanks. And, a very inspiring talk from Mrs. Kurup, who frankly told me what she believes in me, that i CAN make it to NUS, and that the rest of the FAculty believes it too. And that i must try. I will. My GPA is currently 1.68. I have alot of work to do, thanks to my failing two subjects. geez. I think i need to score 4.0 from here on. oh my Lord indeed. But i'm Kay, with me the impossible becomes possible, i am tenacious, if i want something, i want it. I had a heart to heart chat with Azi, i call her the angel. We spoke about family, and that we have something in common... alot actually. i think. We talked about the future, and how bleak it seemed sometimes. WE talked about dreams, and realised chasing the law degree was more of a practical dream, that we started to tell ourself we wanted, and that the dreams that are actually ours, would never get us anywhere or wouldn't be stable. In fact, we even forgot what those dreams were. Then since my "planning for the future session" - Don't Laugh Hana. I mean it. Stop it now, THis is serious. hmph. lol. Anyhoo, where was i?... oh yes, it included cleaning my room, and in the midst of it i found my old diary that i kept in sec 3 and four. I read through it and realised several things- i was so young, so naive I really believed that i had this brilliant future I believed my parents loved me I believed in myself I believed in my dreams. I am very intimidated by that girl. She seems to really know what she wants, and boy does she go for it. And my dreams, i seem to talk alot about singing, and acting. I must have really liked it. wow. And there seemed to constant debate about whether i should be a lawyer or Artiste. hmmm. This world is so ridiculous. I can't believe i have to live in a world, where i grew up in a "happy" home, and then suddenly had that snatched away from me all because i reached a certain age. That i have to be there for myself because, no one else will. No one else wants to. this is, unfair. I don't want to have to decide. I don't want to even be here, i never did. I regretted it when i stepped into Poly. and yet here i am. What am i gonna do? Work harder. 4.0.. Do i have a choice?> NOPE. Miss Lim, i don't want to be a Sr.
23 May, 2005
22 May, 2005
Hana Sinthu Naz Menaga * Der Amin People i recently hung out with Sharita Der Hana Amin Things i finally got to do: Form an unofficial Indian Dance Group - in a way See Haider's infamous sari curtains Touch and actually cuddle a CAT. *Gasp* Persons i spoke longest on the phone with: Sashi, seconded by Hana, Followed by Amanda, yes, manda. Person i had longest SMS chat with: Matsie. Hmm.... I feel like going away for awhile. Sort of like taking a break and going somewhere no one knows me. And shop and relax, and get away from my parents for awhile. I actually gave them a letter setting out things they may be liable for legally should i choose to take action against them. Family Law, Tort- Harassment etc. It ran three pages. wow. I don't believe in talking when angry. I write. I walk away, do anything but look at that person who is causing me irritation,anger, etc. If i did, i might just lash out. Yea. i need to go away before insanity sets in and i get back to the madhouse known as school. Where i cannot seem to wait to get back to.
21 May, 2005
You know when we were kids we belonged to a childhood that was some what closer to that of our parents than what kids these days experience... playing in Longkangs and what not... and then came about rapid changes in technology, and mankind advanced, and the only way to go was with your Tamagotchis, and Digimons. We became teenagers of the modern era. And i sound like a reader's digest article. Anyhoo, You know you're getting old, when you're suddenly older than Teen Tv Serials being telecasted. Example, Smallville, O.C. Or when you find yourself giving away entire series of your once much treasured Sweet Valley Middle school/ Junior High/ Sr. High/ University novels to the salvation army. Oh well...you can't fight it i suppose, inevitable.. i shall age graciously then.
18 May, 2005
Maybe its been the past few day's events, but i find myself unable to trust people recently. Maybe i'm going crazy but strangely enough my parents are the only ones who've been making sense recently. And everyone else, with the exception of a few reasonable individuals, just seem to irritate the hell out of me. Call it PMS, but seriously, i get a tension headache every now and then, everything is just so bleeding irritating. And i get especially irritated with people who talk too much, and do too little. The funniest part is that i can actually get irritated by the mere presence of people. Omg, that just totally classifies me as cuckoo. No listen to me, some people's aura are just so over the top that it grates my nerves, and when they open their mouth thats it, i feel like administering the Tomb-stone rider on them. Oh My Kadavulae/Eshwar/Ram/Bhagavan... (God) Maybe my radar for untrustable people was switched on during my Stint at F&C, but now its working on people who are around me, and i do have a keen sense for people who are not to be trusted.wow wee... Trust me, i'm someone who has been involved in petty politics since primary school. The way you ask me questions about what i think of some one, so tells me you're gonna back stab me, as nice as you are. I tend to stay away from such bitchiness, i talk about people yes, but mostly because i can't believe they exist, and i don't believe in gaining anything from talking about them, please i am so above that. the only reason i'm telling you is i hope to keep you away from these people as well,and, want to confirm that i'm right about them. If past experiences prove to be precedents, and you did something i didn't like i'd probably tell you, and get it over with. In your face. That is if i thought that particular relationship was worth salvaging.Other wise, i'd just stay away and be purely on an acquaintance basis with you. True, i sound as if i'm trying to exalt what i'm doing, and make myself sound noble, when you tear it down to the basics, i'm bitching. Major mistake on your part, i use facts, not opinions. tischa'. Its so easy to classify people sometimes. you have your snitches the bitches, the friendly but backstabbing, the i really don't care what goes on and what people say about me, i merely observe people. The really quiet who occasionally burst out. The plain dumb. Then there are those who try so hard, that they just fall flat on their face. At one point in their lives they've tried being one of the above mentioned. I really hate it when someone calls me nice. or a nice leader. seriously it gets on my nerves. It takes so much more control for me to be nice than it is for me to be mean. Ask the people involved in MG, i think till today they're a tad afraid of me.Especially when i'm put in charge. I admit, it is very difficult for me to get angry. Very, like i told Hana sometimes i have to pretend. I come away laughing.Anger is reserved for people who are a plain burden to this earth and require some "strong advice", chai, and a few hours recuperating afterwards. But its quite easy for me to get mean.In a nice way even. Come on la, even when i was nice, people leave the room screaming or crying. wahahha. Cos i was too sarcastic. and too demanding, thats me being "nice". I don't believe in yelling at people, firstly, i have been advised not too scream , cos i am prone to losing my voice when deeply stressed, and secondly, what's the point? if i can deliver the same message not yelling, then i save energy right? I dislike people who act like know-it-alls, speak out of turn, no matter how much you've done, it does not confer upon you the right to act like you own me. I mostly hate it when people repeat what i've just said, and make it sound like they came up with it. People who always need to be on top. Jesus, here's a piece of humble pie, chew slowly,and swallow, no spitting.YOu need every bit, here take the whole pie even. Seriously such people make me feel like handing over the whole thing to them and letting them take charge, i don't bother saying anything, cause half the time, they're the ones talking or rudely interrupting with "How about... ", " Why not.....?", I lose energy really, i feel like saying, " how about, you take charge, and why not i just resign?" and then they call me too nice, you're right, i am too nice, i let you talk what. Chee Bai. Oh Forget it, if things are gonna move, i guess just have to get moving la.
15 May, 2005
We have great passion in what we do, and we care enormously about our customers, employees, and our reputation. Hi, sorry for the last minute notice, but i do not think i can bring myself to work for even another week, this is an establishment that does not keep its promises, despite its claims that it cares enormously about its employees, it practices discrimination, and persecution, Staying much longer with such an establishment will undermine my principles, and i in turn cannot uphold my share of the philosophy, i apologise once again, but today will be my last day. Thank You. In other words. i quit. I sat down and i thought. And then i messaged. Thats all there is to it. To the T2 team : May 15 2005 Dear Sirs, RE: MY RESIGNATION FROM FISH AND COMPANY (TERMINAL TWO.) I apologise that I end my employment in Fish & Co. in such a manner, however my resignation is unavoidable.It is seemingly irresponsible of me to do so, and you deserve an explanation. I write this letter not only to the management team, but to my fellow colleagues as well. First and foremost, i resign in order to relieve the management of having to relentlessly nag at me for mistakes i had unknowingly committed. I apologise for it, and hope that you would be able to find someone who is up to your standards. Since i am burden to the team and am dragging your performance down, I wish to leave, so that you may continue receiving those "Excellent" comment cards and in no way affect your service standards. Another factor leading to my resignation, is the double standards that is practised by certain members of the management team, who shall remain unnamed, all i can say is such behaviour is rampant in the Back of House predominantly.Reserving scolding for some, yet turning a blind eye to other's mistakes is clear biasedness. Also, I cannot accept the fact that my termination had been considered, and do not appreciate the fact that "all eyes are on me", this is a clear display of contempt and unnecessary pressure.No one deserves to be have so much stress loaded upon them, although i was prepared to put up with it, another factor led to my making of this decision. Our fellow colleague, Ayu's termination. Understandably, she is not like any one of us. However, given time, i believe she would have improved. I believe that her termination is not solely based on her inability to perform but rather the inability of others to accept her.This is a dire let down of the establishment's philosophy. Although we all strive to be excellent, is not crucial that we accept and care for every employee, as well as Customer who walks in through our door? Expecting perfectness is not a sin, however where is the love that we promise to put into everything we do? Should there only be love and passion so long as it gets us good comments and increases our sales? What happened to our promise of caring and loving each other? Has Fish and Co. Terminal Two made a promise that it cannot keep? Let alone philosophy, this lets down basic morals. These are issues that need great contemplation i believe. I speak up because i need to explain myself and address problems that are small today but may just build up and explode tomorrow. Please do not become a heartless establishment that puts on an act for customers. Lastly, although this has hardly been a pleasant experience it has been an enriching one, i am grateful to Lawrence , Rohaida, Rosy, Norman, and Susan for all they have taught me. And you, my colleagues, for your help, encouragement and friendship, thank you. Yours Faithfully, Kay.
14 May, 2005
Going to work has become a dread. I cannot wait to return to school. Two sentences i would have killed myself for uttering, barely 2 weeks ago. But truly the working world scares me. Beyond that, it sickens me. Not because of all the usual drone of working life. Not because i come to work everyday to do the exact same thing i did the day before. But because every once in a while we all get a faceful of harsh reality. Today i got mine. For the past one week, i have been pushed around and scolded for "mistakes". Which is really making things worse and destroying my morale. So i just got more and more despondent and depressed everytime i showed up for work. Today, i sat down and had a talk with my manager, who blatantly told me i'm not performing. I agreed.I expected that. She told me she wants this to be the last time that she would be having this kind of chat with me, and that i need to focus. I agree. I expected that. And then she told me that all eyes have been on me since we came to T2 and every mistake i make is being noted by the boss-man and his cronies.And, that they are adamant about me being fired. This i didn't expect. Today i was managing two stations, and i was reminded twice to change the customer's shell plates. And that i need to get back to my "basics"- which would be changing shell-plates,sending sauce sets, topping up ice water and smiling. Go figure. When the second reminder came through, i marched up to the Station and permanently held a couple of plates in my hands, THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. Two reasons - 1. would be to efficiently change shell plates and to show that i don't need to be reminded, 2. would be to chuck the plates at the next person who told me to change shell plates, manager or not. I WAS BLOODY IRRITATED. I mean seriously, i have TWO stations to look after, and that moment i needed to look to the needs of another station. And till then, i swear, i swooped down like an eagle on any customer who dared to place a single prawn shell on their shell plates, before they even knew it, the Phantom of the Shell plate would have struck. I topped up ice water, and SMILED big and WIDE. And then i slipped. Not literally. As in i wasn't watching the people who were serving at my station. And here i was thinking that the Upper management would be so much better at serving people and applying the 10 step serving procedure they are so fond of spouting at us like the bloody gospel. Sue, the above-mentioned cronie of boss-man, served at my station. Meaning she typed in the order and everything. However she aptly forgot to serve ice-water, and the sauce -set. And then she chided ME for not doing it. As servers, we have been taught that we should complete the ten-step even if a hurricane struck. Ok, alright i would have done it no complains, if Rosie didn't come along talk to me about "basics", obviously she must have over heard. According to me, its simple. You took the bloody order, you complete the bloody process. NO matter who you are. I was bloody pissed. Royally pissed. But its ok, i keep quiet, as always, i nowadays feel it is too much effort to explain myself. And i don't like complaining, so heck. So i received the TALK. It's ok, after i sat through it, i started. Rosy had explicitly told me that she does not play double standards, and that she scolds everyone, regardless of who they are and that she could not comprehend why the upper management is so fixated on me. And that they are pressuring her into nagging at me all the time. And possibly even firing me. So i told her about the way i felt about Su, not completing the Ten step process. And i told her, i know Rosie you do not Practice Double-standards, but i think nevertheless it has happened. That just because she is upper management, she does not have to complete the process, but i do, why? cos i am lower down the hierarchy than her? Doesn't she deserve twice the scolding i do? At that, Rosie paused, and apologised. I told her about all the various things that have been pissing me off, including me carrying the shell plate around. She told me, that she understands it is not easy being server, and that she appreciates that i tried my best. And she told me the reason that she was even carrying out this convo with me was on the behest of Su. She could not understand the need to be perfect. And that we would hands down beat any other outlet workers in terms of service. There have been no complaints, no major mistakes. And yet, people get fired now and then. For the craziest of reasons. Today, a girl named Ayu was fired. She is slightly handicapped in some manner. And she was 86-ed, fired because she was "unnatural" I admit at some point she was a tad scary. But she's just another person. And Rosie once again had to play bad cop. When i heard that, i turned that brilliant shade of red i always turn when i am ready to explode. Why did this happen? Because Su, the upper management felt uncomfortable with her around. Because Su is so incredibly superficial that she feels that Raffles Club members deserve better treatment than other customers, when in the first place if you think about it, what the hell else can they buy that no other customer that walks in through that door can't purchase?, so why should they be treated better? Once again, the hypocrisy kills me. Wahahhaha. For the first time in my life i truly understand what this world is about. A little atleast. Ayu got fired because she is different, she is weird according to us. I can only imagine how she felt when she was made fun of. When during briefing, Our Head Manager Norman kept bursting into laughter everytime she spoke.And the various Jabs she got, from colleagues who i expected more out of. Ironically i caught myself doing the same. And i feel completely ashamed. She is a brave girl. And i am nothing. Nobody, compared to her. I claim to have courage and ideals, but i am peanuts compared to her. Because to be who she is takes great courage. So after having a heart to heart chat with Rosie, i left, amiably taking a balloon from Su, who had failed to cajol a baby into taking it. I happily walked away, thinking its over. And then it happened. I started weeping. Bawling, in fact, in the middle of Changi Airport, all the way to the MRT. I could not stop. Because something inside broke, completely. I felt, in that instance, insanity.And anger. and hate for all the things i cannot change. For all the people i cannot help. For Ayu. I felt physically ill. And completely sick at the way another human being was treated. I held on to my balloon and cried, not caring if people saw me, WANTING people to see me, and ask "what happened little girl, are you lost?" Yes very much, very lost, in a world i can't understand, filled with people who say things they don't mean, don't mean things they say, and don't say the things they mean. I tried calling people but it couldn't work, my hands. It was a "To Kill a MockingBird" Moment. And then just as it came, it left, i wiped my tears and sms-ed. I was normal and ok again. Lie. i know, because that brief moment of despair was the truest moment i have experienced thus far. It was like being born again as a Christian, a feeling you know you can never experience again. So i exited at Tanah Merah, and walked. Straight into Sue and Norman. My life. My life. So , just like everyone else, i said things i didn't mean, and smiled. I know they saw me crying. Cause they had that look on their faces, and kept asking me if i was alright and if Rosie's talk had affected me in anyway. lol. fools. i smiled and said no. We talked, and then i asked. About Ayu. They said she couldn't fit in, couldn;'t adapt, and she wasn't FIRED, she was just having a trial session, she was realeased. I see. Denial is our greatest opiate. Fine. Whatever. I Look forward to encasing myself in the place called school. 10 days. Before i left, i told Rosie- "I hate people who persecute." Rosie- "Of course you do, you're a lawyer what.!" I didn't bother correcting her. Time to Focus.
11 May, 2005
Creeping in on me... Maturity. Found myself suprising people with the things i've been doing lately. Alot of first times. Suprising. But unescapable. Giving in, without a fight, even when i know i'm right. lol. Making people who piss the hell out of me happy. don't ask me why, but i just couldn't get angry at them. Like today my bartender Azmi a.k.a Toyol, he was yelling at me and snapping at us, calling us know-it- alls, Tania hates working with him, but unfortunately has to be bar-runner and has been yelled at twice. So i got pissed, very pissed, i found it incredibly disgusting that someone who was 25 years of age could behave like a petulant child, and throw tantrums. So i was on my way to tell him to develop wisdom befitting of his age, that may in turn inculcate a sense of respect within the rest of the staff, when instead of that, i went up to him and said, "you really don't like working here do you?" lol - Azmi is a transplant in T2 from Glasshouse, and ever since he came here, well things haven't been very peachy. He smiled at that. We chatted abit before i started talking to him about working at T2 again. He told me that he preferred it in Glasshouse, and this is a funeral place. Seriously the music just kills us all. Azmi: This place is killing me day by day.I die a bit everyday. Kay : * bursts into laughter* You sound like a tragic Bollywood hero!!!! Azmi: *Smiling* what?! Kay: Yea... ever heard of Devdas? *bursts into more laughter* Azmi: Yea... geez, i'm saying what i feel and you're laughing? Kay: No really.. *laughs some more* Dying day-by-day????!?!?!?! Azmi: You're really crazy. Kay: Yea i am. *wipes tears of laughter from eyes and opens door for customer.* Bye ! see you again... I brutally told him in a nice way that he should tone down the temper department, cause he's scaring people off, and they're beginning not to like him. He relented and agreed, saying things just ain good. After that he smiled alot, and he asked me to come work in Glasshouse with him, cause well apparently i'm fun. And he guessed i am dying in T2 as well. lol. So there you go, wow, where did all this understanding the people come from? lol, it happened like over night. Before i couldn't give a crap how you felt, facts are facts, yes or no. Straight-talk, no shit. Now? I try to understand. And that is ... new... and it feels natural... gee. Well, seriously.... every time i feel myself flaring, one particular line seems to flash through my head - "not everything is about anger, Kay.." And then whoosh, it replaced, with some other kind of new feeling. I have no idea what the hell it is... I hope it doesn't stay this way cause the whole loving the people thing is only going to make me easy to push over... And i need all the nasty in me to make it through the last year in law and DT.
07 May, 2005
 Compassion: Compassion is your prime instinct. You have a truly beautiful soul, it belongs to Heaven. It makes you sad to see how life became so cruel, but you always hope that the best will happen. Don't stop being yourself, cuz your friends need you. What is your prime instinct? brought to you by Quizilla  You can be a goody two-shoes or a rebel, depending on who you want to impress, you are stylish, intelligent, graceful and generous, but some times your temper or moods can get out of hands. Who are you from your birthday date (easy steps, amazing pics) brought to you by Quizilla You connect with pain spiritually, your soul carries a lot of pain, but you don't admit that in public, you keep it supressed inside you, and you show it only to yourself at night, you feel better when you cry, you like to be alone, you feel safe this way, you don't think there is someone understands you, but there are, you just didn't give the chance for any one to do so, try to express your feelings infront of everybody, and by feelings i mean the true ones not the ones you used to show them to everybody, also you have to know that cutting and suicide don't solve any problem, actually it make it worst, you have to know that we weren't born to kill ourselves, if you want to talk to someone, i'm all ears. How do you connect with Pain? (updated) brought to you by Quizilla You fall for inside, you don't show your emotions like an idiot, you stay till the right momment comes, some times people say you are mean, some times shy, others might say you are introvert, people like to analyize you cuz you are mysterious and you like it this way, you don't fall in love easily and you know how and when to use your mind. What side would you fall for? brought to you by Quizilla  You are a Belly Dancer. You are charming inside out, your life follows an interesting rhythem, beautiful and smooth, you know how to be the center of attention when you want to, you love your friends and you can trust them on your life. Your ideal man is the one with a sweet witty character who understands how much freedom is important to you. What kind of dancers are you? (Girls only) brought to you by Quizilla
05 May, 2005
I miss Devdas... there, has to be the second time i've said that. But you know what... I miss the people involved in it... individually of course.. I don't miss the quarrels. I was just going thru Terry's links, and i found the link to his photo blog, and caught sight of a couple of Devdas Pics he took with really funny comments on them.. Classic Terry... what would i do with out him.. seriously we live two blocks away from each other and i didn't see him for two years, and would have continued not to if i didn;'t need his help desperately.. lol..i am such a bad person.. That night we had so much fun Stage managing together... laughing across the stage at each other, while the actors were dancing... Most of all i really appreciated the way he help me keep it real, and got pissed off on my behalf but never showed it cos... well he's terry... he never shows how he feels.. lol. Well anyways... looks like this time next year, i will have a whole new set of memories about him... cos you know what? theres going to be another production bigger, grander, and more stupendously fun and spectacular than before. No words in the vernacular can describe this great event.... Spectacular Spectacular... it will run for fifty years.... bwahahha... you guessed it... i hope.... We're doing the Moulin Rouge. WOOOHOOOOO!!!!! This time round i have a mental plan down to detail with regards to organisation... i have learnt tons from Devdas... and now its time to put the knowledge to use, as well as pass it on... This upcoming year is going to be packed with fun... amazing i'm actually looking forward to it now... lol, well anyways we're going to have camp, and we're shortening the core group period, and we will have a small prod, at the end of it. also,immediately after that we will a get together to distribute scripts for the next major production and spend the rest of the year rehearsing for it and it will come out about a month to two months before exams... and with that, my time in POly will come to an end... i will be called alumni. wow... times passes by real fast don't it? I can't believe this... Just seems like yesterday i was a simple not so complicated, tomboyish punk... Now i am a very complicated, and seemingly ladylike person. eurgh... of course i do have my bursts of tomboyliness.. especially when i'm talking to guys it seems... maybe thats what turns em off.. darn. Wahaahh..... you know what... My manager Leonard found out yesterday that i'm taking law and he got a suprise... lol... he said "But... You're so bubbly!" Geez... like a person who takes law can't be bubbly... He said i should take Mass Media instead, i seem like a media person and would probably do well there. I agree... i would... i would do really well.. and i plan to. But the thing is i want to get that law degree thing first... don't have a choice.. Anyways... everyone has a couple of sides to em selves... The bubbly side never lasts with me.. its more like a charm i turn on to make friends with people, or seem more amiable... Venus fly trap me. Those of you who know me better, would know the sinister, morbid, perpetually depressed side i have. wahaha. Which is why i have a couple of people who i haven't spoken much to since i met them in year one seems to think i made a complete 180 degree turn character wise and turned cold. I am cold... and i like to be very quiet sometimes... most people know that i can be absolutely depressed throughout the day and yet when i walk into a room full of people there comes on the loud, "bubbly" side, and then when i leave it with that friend. i go quiet again. I remember one day, i was feeling ill and i showed up at work, forgetting to put on the bubbly side, and the managers and training executive got so worried something happened, they had a private "discussion" with me about why i am so affected. and i cluelessly sat, wondering if i did something wrong. When all the while they were wondering why i wasn't making loud noises and smiling from ear to ear. So i had to invent a tragic reason just so they'd get off my back. And then i smiled, so that seemed to get them off my back. They nearly sent me home for God's sake. Is that how badly received the real me is. i think i would have no friends if i was like that the whole time. wahhaha... Lol.. Act. It's all an act.. i guess.. sometimes its hard to tell which ones the real me.. even i don't know. lol.. Now how did this entry turn into a character analysis?
03 May, 2005
Thats how its been for the past two days at T2.... I arrived on Saturday Morning only to discover that the previous night's shift had been havoc, and people had gotten fired... Front Of House- Peter, Myat, And Julie are gone gone gone.... and now, according to Mat... 2 from Back of House.... How sad is that? In case you're wondering... no its not the handiwork of Boss man, more like Rosie the Wicked Manager from the T2. Seriously she's a sweetheart... Just sometimes you start wishing she'd just lay off... Being tough on one hand can be very effective... but theres such a thing as doing/saying things that are uncalled for... Seriously, she blows up mistakes, when she gets stressed... and gets stressed oh so easily... oh dear.... Never mind... i suppose being in charge is never easy. Sunday... was better. Thank God... Lol... it was a Kidzaplooza... Kids were every where!!!! lol... we gave out toys and Balloons and it felt like Christmas was here.. we ran out of baby chairs.. How about that? And i found the love of my live in Pink Baby... yea thats what i call her... never got her name... She was waddling around the store when she suddenly took my hand... awww... well i was just about to make away with her on the MRT train.. noone would have noticed us gone... and by then, we would be far away in Boon Lay-- "just the two of us....", but alas i was busy trying to hide her under my apron, when the parents started calling... so we had to part... well, i have a torn up coaster in her memory. geez. You know what... Sexy Bar man, was concocting some drinks up at the bar, occasionally asking me to take a sip of his alcoholic delights, and i feel ashamed to admit how easily i get high... But strangely i feel tons better after that though... Seriously... i wonder what a couple of shots every morning will do for my mood... i start grining after the first few sips when the buzzy warm feeling settles in and your ears warm up and tingle... feels good... feels numbing... Oh oh!!! back on topic he asked me how old i am, where i go to school... and gave me a small lecture on the drinks we serve... wow wee........*swoons*.. don't get me wrong... i don't like HIM... i just like his style... i'm pretty clear about these things. I'll blog about today some other time... After work i just headed down to BK and sat there in my own company reading the news papers..i do that some times... pretty amazing considering how i try to keep myself in the company of others as much as possible cause i hate being alone.. i will probably go crazy if i'm alone for 5 minutes faced with nothing but myself. I wouldn't wish me on anyone... i talk too much.
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